I Am Aware

So I can definitely feel God working in me.  My life has become one of awareness, compassion, and action.  I have a long way to go, but awareness is something that you can't ignore or turn off, and it leads to compassion and action.  I'm just trying to do the best I can.

I am aware that I when I'm stressed, I become short and impatient with my children.  This awareness is helping me to become a better mom.  I'm aware that the people selling the homeless newspaper on the side of the street are trying to change their lives.  I now support them, even if I'm buying the same issue of the paper for the fifth time.  I'm aware that my friend is struggling with her mom dying of cancer.  I don't know what that's like, but I'm trying to learn and comfort her.  I'm aware that there are families just like mine living in a shelter right now because of something that could happen to us, too.  I want to help those families through serving meals at the shelter and participating in the Hike for the Homeless.  I'm aware that students at my school come with lots of baggage from home, so do people I work with.  I want to help others see the good in these students....and my co-workers.  I'm aware that a co-worker is calling out to me for help.  I don't know how to help, but I will focus on our friendship and pray that God will lead me.  I'm aware that there are 163,000,000 orphans in the world.  I can't save them all, but I can work to create awareness and try to change the world for one or two of them (We just started sponsoring Fatmata's brother, Umaru.)

With this awareness, compassion, and action comes a struggle within me that I wasn't prepared for (I hate putting prepositions at the end of a sentence!).  I guess I thought that as God worked in me, it would be easy to share my excitement, sadness, and other emotions with others.  I thought that it would just radiate from me.  And I thought that others would just get it, but that's not the case.  I actually feel sort of lonely.  I have so much going on inside of me, and I'm desperate to learn so much more about God, the Bible, and how God is working through others.  I'm finding it difficult to share my thoughts, emotions, and desires with others, though.....or when I do try to share, I feel like they don't get it, question it, or don't care.  I think I was naive to think that as God changed my life, I would see him change the lives of people around me, too.  And I know that he's using me for this, and I do see lives around me being affected.  It's just not as easy as I thought it would be.  

This isn't a pity party for me, just an open, honest example of how I'm feeling.  Through a women's event this week, I'm aware that God wants me to be honest about my feelings, thoughts, and struggles.  I hope that this honesty will bring me closer to God and closer to the ones around me.